Dude, Where’s My Stoke?

Me on the Chairlift, Black Mountain New Hampshire

You, Lose All Stoke, WTF? What Happened

So In this edition of skiingwithnofilter, I question myself this season, with the question ”did I lose my stoke”, ”Do I just not care anymore” wtf happened? Well the answer to that maybe more then you think, I am a sufferer of depression and anxiety, and I’ll tell you what I will take depression over anxiety any day, anxiety kills me, it prevents me from going outside, doing what I love to do, it has been crippling this season especially, it’s exhausting, let’s do an example for those who can’t understand, my thoughts: will I ski well? is my gear ready to go? what about traffic? what about liftlines? what about the right ski for the forecast? are my skis waxed enough? I got this bill due in a few days, that bill, you are selling your house, work, work, work, girlfriend, friends, kids, the expectations, the results, how many days do I have, how much vert do I have, will I beat last year, lawyers, the ex, the vehicle maintenance, add 30 monkey wrenches into the plan, and there is my mind, whew, exhausting right? Yea unfortunately that’s how my mind is wired, the truth is I don’t have to worry about 90% of that stuff, but you wake up at 5am only to say fuck everything, friends who have come to know and love, your support system to which brought you here, and your loved ones, the texts ignored, as I switch into robot mode and go through the motions of getting to the mountain, seems like hiking a mountain instead, you click on snow as a zombie of life, somehow continuing going through the motions of life and just existing, putting on the happy face for family and post to social media, while your dying inside, knowing that this small reprieve on snow, will not last, and those same problems when get back will be waiting for you, this season in the east was full of late starts, Vail’s bullshit, and a complication of home life, if nobody thinks anxiety is crippling, how about waking up to a heart rate of 117 for a skier, runner, gymrat, yup, well, thats what I have been dealing with this season, cancellations due to being too dizzy to drive, dealing with life, and everything else, has become so overwhelming this year, I am literally dying inside, while the light at the end of tunnel tells the story, it also tells a story of how I put this expectation on myself, and held myself to it, and that was not possible in the current environment, and that’s OK.

It’s a sign Idk🤷‍♂️

So did you lose the stoke?

Well, I love skiing, that has never changed, what has is my ability to wake up and get it, somedays I would rather lay along the shore as a dead fish just floating at the shore line, and some days I just say this is what I want imma get it, the fact of the matter is last season I wanted to ski as much as possible, going over 50 plus days, working 3 days a week, man, my mecca, this year things got complicated, and why because I met girlfriend, no because I met my biggest obstacle, which is me😫

Me and the kids

The Stoke Reimagined

So as I awake at 5am, I realize that in life there are many things to get stoked about, I taught 3 kids and their mom to ski, we got a 4 year old on snow, and while most will say I’m not the same person, you are correct I am not, but if the snow stoke plays a part then yes I am, I still feel the stoke, I am still here, but I have paced this unreal expectation on myself, and as far as I am concerned, I am accountable for it, so I apologize to the skifriends who expected more, I apologize for the things I coulda, should have, but won’t I apologize for is being me, and this is who I have been, and who I am, it does not mean that skiing is the save all, or anything else in life, but it means sometimes, I need that day for me, and self care is important to get where you know me best, this season isn’t over I’m the only obstacle from holding me back, and sometimes that obstacle is too much too much move by myself………

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